| I ironically came across this quote today: |
[18 Nov 2009|04:39pm] |
Remember: suspicion is an extension of fear, and through that extension it can gain control over far more of your life that you can imagine.
story of my life!
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| tis been a while |
[16 Nov 2009|09:20pm] |
i've learned a few things over the past few months:
1. even though i've had trust issues for a while, i've realized that i was sort of using them as a crutch, or an excuse, to avoid facing reality and moving on with my life, and it actually made everything a lot harder when i thought that standing behind them was somehow making it easier for myself. now that i can let go a little i feel more stable and confident in my decisions, although it is still hard at times.
2. i would die if i didn't take a few minutes out of each day to step back and take a few deep breaths.
3. i am more competent than i sometimes think or give myself credit for.
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[18 Oct 2009|08:04pm] |
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the other day i went to the gym. i was on the treadmill listening to my ipod, and staring down at the treadmill. there was a screw on one of the sides of the treadmill that i stared at for a while, but i just felt like i couldn't look away, but more that i just didn't care to look away. and everyone around me was probably like why is this girl staring at the floor? but i didn't care because all i could think about is how alone i felt, and how much i miss you, and how i can live my life and do everything without you but i don't want to. and i thought about how i was walking in place, and everyone around me was going about their own lives and how i wasn't going anywhere. and i felt like being on the treadmill was a metaphor for the way i've been feeling for months. like i am simply walking in place.
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[16 Oct 2009|10:27pm] |
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i miss going to the beach and swimming in the water with you. i miss being around you. i miss the way you would carry me into the car. i miss eating breakfast with you. i miss watching tv with you and hugging you. i miss your laugh. your eyes. the way you fake drum to songs. i miss singing songs about dad with you, and calling you sweetheart. and kissing you all over. i miss being close to you, i miss holding your hand. i miss making you laugh. i miss the time we sat on the rock on the lake.
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[24 Jul 2009|05:01pm] |
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i'm always so stressed out, or upset, or angry. i mean it's not always but it's too often. a lot of it has to do with just being bored and not having a job. i haven't been able to go to the gym so i just feel like shit all of the time, i'm not taking anything because i don't really want to although lately it seems like i don't have much of a choice. i'm so upset right now and frustrated with myself for not letting myself be happy. i don't know why i never feel like i'm good enough and i'm so afraid all of this is going to ruin all the good things i have in my life.
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| my summer is officially half over. |
[01 Jul 2009|08:40pm] |
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i want a tumblr but at the same time i don't like it. i've had an account for a while but i never use it. i guess i just like my livejournal better, i'm use to it and i've had it foreverrrr. i guess i'll just keep this.
anyway...
i'm home, and watching dr. phil. mom is out, becky's in dc with alex, buuuut it's kind of nice to be alone. i've been good lately, just really sick of the weather. and being unemployed. it's been nice not having anything to worry about like class or work though, but it's getting old. i need to get back into a routine, and i miss the gym sooo much. i need to start running. i am sad michael jackson died. and farrah. it's weird how everyone is dying. i guess this is my 'state the obvious' entry but whatever. i'll update more in a little while.
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[22 Jun 2009|06:59pm] |
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it's easier not to think sometimes.
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| soooo |
[27 Apr 2009|09:37pm] |
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this weekend was amazing. jon took me to the beach and we had chip and cheese sandwiches and lemonade. we tried to go swimming in the ocean but didn't get too far. we sang! and we talked about things. and we were happy. i was so happy. we walked for about three miles down the boardwalk and i beat him fair and square at air hockey in the arcade that i forget the name of. miniature golf was closed so unfortunately we couldn't play. i fell asleep on the ride home but we got back and took a nap. i think. i got a sunburn on my face so he took care of me and gave me lots of cold washcloths for my face. and aloe. we watched salad fingers for a long time and everything was perfect. until i asked someone at mcdonalds for honey mustard socks later that night. anyway, i am really happy.
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[07 Apr 2009|10:02pm] |
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every time i start thinking about something that i know is just going to get me worked up over nothing, i tell myself to forget it. it's really hard but i guess it's working.
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| alone. |
[03 Apr 2009|12:27am] |
my room mate went home for the night because it was her mom's birthday today. i hate being this alone at this time of night. it's been a while that i haven't had to share a room, been for a few years now since i moved out of my house. i hate the dark and no one is around because it's a thursday. all my friends went to bed early and i'm not tired. i'm glad i finished studying though, it didn't take as long as i thought and i knew more of the material than i thought i did too, but i'm still kinda scared to take it. it will be nice to get it over with.
i really want to skip geography tomorrow. i doubt i'll miss anything important and nothing is due but i'll probably go. i skipped last friday. last friday seems like it was yesterday!
i can't wait until this weekend. i get to finally buy some things for myself. i will get to see chelsea which i am superrrr excited about and of course jon! i'll probably see him on saturday. seems kind of far away but it's not really i guess. i don't know i just wanna celebrate stickers birthday. woooooo.
tomorrow becky is going to paint my nails. she has a whole nail salon that she sets up in about 5 minutes and it looks like a professional place. it's so cute haha. and it's freeeeeeee yay. tomorrow sarah and i are going to make flowers to put on our blue wall to make the room look a little nicer since we took down our snowflakes. they were so pretty but i saved them so i can put them up next year. :)
i think i've blown my nose about 800 times today. i hope it goes away this weekend. my nose is getting sore. :(
the beatles are stuck in my head. i'm in love with herrrr and i feel fine.
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[01 Apr 2009|07:41pm] |
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sooooooo. this week has been good so far. i'm just trying to stay positive after having a not-so-good week last week. i can't believe how well it has been working. it really helps going to bed happy, and going to class wanting to learn instead of just wanting to get through it alive. i've kept myself pretty busy with the gym and other little things i've had to do. i still have a lot to do tonight but i don't really care! i'm just gonna turn on my music and do it. this weekend should be good though. i think i'm going to write a little more later but this is all for now. :)
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| words. |
[26 Mar 2009|02:45pm] |
i guess i feel like although there is a clear difference between good and bad, there are not good people and there are not bad people in the world. i feel like everyone is the same, everyone is neutral i guess, or at least starts out this way, and by some sequence of events they change and develop a different view of the world, therefore sometimes making them what others would describe as a bad person. i guess what i'm trying to say is that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and to say that someone is "bad" is not right, because the reason this person is being looked at negatively is probably due to a mistake they have made.
i think about certain things a lot and how things have changed who i am so much, because in no way am i the person i was a few years ago. and although when things happened i couldn't believe it or understand why, i think i understand now. there is no reason for the things people do sometimes, people just do things. and of course they think about it, whether it's only for a second and incompletely, but people know what they are doing when they do what they do. i've just become so tired of looking at all the negative things in people, in situations, and in life as a whole, that all i feel i have left to do is forgive and try to stay positive.
things can always be worse. whenever i feel like i've reached the end or i'm ready to give up because everything is just too much, i always remind myself. i wish that it was easier for more people i've met in the past year to understand that. read the news, open a newspaper, read a book, you'll quickly realize that life is hard for everyone. and oftentimes, the little things we worry about are so indifferent and insignificant in the bigger picture that they are nothing compared to the struggles so many people face everyday. i am so lucky to have a family that is alive, in my life, there for me, and friends to be there when i need someone to talk to. i am so lucky to be in school and to be where i am right now that i couldn't ask for anything else. but of course, as part of human nature i suppose, i am never satisfied.
i was just reading something and it made me think about how much i feel like i need to be loved. i took a test the other day and it said that one of the biggest overlying characteristics about the type of peron i am is that i need to feel needed. i love making people aware about how much i care about them, and sometimes i take it too far. and sometimes i worry that maybe this is not right. but i just love feeling loved, as of course anyone does, but it's like i need it. it's not even that it's nice to have, i seek assurance in everyone and the only reason i can come up with for this is that it's because of things that have happened in my life and the way things are now and i try so hard to be as good of a person as i can. all i want to do is make the people i love happy and proud. i try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend, and sometimes i feel like it's not enough, and i wonder where this feeling comes from. it's so hard trying to please everyone all of the time, including myself. it's emotionally tiring.
i have always been the type of person to want to be in a long-term relationship. granted, i've rushed into things too fast a few times, i've made a few mistakes along the way, and i've said some things i didn't mean, but i know i'm not perfect. where i am now, i'm feeling pretty good. i just want it to last. i can honestly and very gladly say that i've learned to cherish every moment. the worst feeling is being taken advantage of, or having something slip away that has been there for so long but you were too caught up in other things to even realize what you were doing, or rather what you were not doing.
the other day i was thinking about the saying "nothing good lasts forever". i think that on some level that's true. but the truth is, nothing lasts forever, therefore nothing bad lasts forever either...
and i hate that i'm so scared of something i have no control over. at the end of the day all i can do is be myself and somehow find comfort in that... regardlss of what might happen.
sometimes i just feel like i am the only one feeling the way i do. the tables have turned so drastically, and now i understand the worry that must have subsided the entire time. and i knew it was happening. sometimes i just feel worthless. like my words are of no value. it sucks because i put so much into them. it may not seem like much, and it may seem repetitive, but i don't know how else to express the way i am feeling all of the time. i just need understanding.
i don't want to do the complete opposite of what i've been wanting to do this whole time. i don't want you to feel bad, everything i do is to make you happy.
staying positive while feeling this way is nearly impossible sometimes.
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| i love you more than i thought i could ever love anyone. |
[19 Mar 2009|08:49pm] |
so yeah. i guess it's been kind of a weird day. i saw my dad for a bit. really he's a good guy and i believe he has good intentions and i'm really lucky that i even have a father who is alive and in my life. the thing that bothers me is that when i talk about him to other people they just don't seem to understand the weird relationship i have with him sometimes. and i don't blame them. but whenever i meet someone else's dad whether it's my roommate's or my friend's, they're always so normal. they are so interested in what i'm doing or what is going on in my life and they're so approachable and friendly. my dad is just awkward, always talking about himself and only asks what's going on with me or how i am after realizing he's been talking about himself for the past thirty minutes. sometimes when i'm around him it just makes me feel bad, and really helpless because i can't help the fact that he's out of work and doesn't have a steady income so he has to move and all the problems with that. growing up it was never really "i cant wait to tell my dad about this" it was always go to mom because dad has other things to do. and he was always there in the house but he was always in his own little world or doing his own thig. i never really noticed until recently either. i don't know. i love him to death and and i would do anything for him and i know that he loves me but part of my deep down just wishes i had the relationship other people have with their fathers. he just does not seem to get it. i just want to go out and have lunch without having to worry about what to say or talk just to fill awkward silences. it shouldn't be that way. but i guess i have some of him in me, since he is my dad and all. i've got his stress, his fast metabolism, and his last name. ugh. i have a lot of other things, but i wish i knew more about who he used to be and the shows he used to play and all the times he says he would never trade anything for... but he's always so caught up in the here and now. there's nothing i can do about his relationship with my mom, and it used to not bother me so much but i can only hear so much. i love when he talks about things that he believes in and what he's passionate about but that only comes every once in a while. but i've learned so much from my mom over the years, and i'm so happy about that because she's such a great person. i don't know, i could go on forever about my family.
i feel kind of sad tonight. don't really know why, probably just bored more than anything. it bothers the shit out of me that i'm not saying this to anyone but instead writing in here, though it will make me feel better anyway. i love how easy it is for me to love so deeply but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. i've lost contact with some people and i was hoping to see some over vacation but that didn't really work out. i wish everyone had the same time off for break. i hate being home alone. it always ends up with me in one of these moods.
eddie died today. he's my fish.. not a huge deal so don't panic. ha. but i always talked bad about him... i was always kidding but i still feel bad because i really did like him. tomorrow i think i'm going to have a funeral for him in my backyard.
i always hope that someday i will wake up and know what i want to do with my life. it makes me upset to realize that i don't really have a passion in life so i hope that with the skills and experience from college i will discover it someday... i don't know. becky said i have an eye for things but that just sounds like a sorry excuse... still she insists that there's something about me that's special.
i miss my boyfriend. granted, i see him all the time, more than most girls see their boyfriends but i don't know. i would apologize but i guess its nothing to say sorry about. wish i knew why i feel compelled to apologize. i just like being around him. i just like laying with him, talking to him, joking, laughing with him... him. it's good that he will be able to catch up on sleep though tonight. in the meantime ill just hang out. at least becky came back so i'm not alone anymore.
i always seem to forget that there's always tomorrow.
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| it feels so late. |
[24 Feb 2009|07:31pm] |
on my way to class today it seemed like everyone around me was smoking cigarettes. then when i saw one girl who wasn't i remembered that i knew she smoked and i always thought it was weird that she smoked. then i stopped to talk to my friend who doesn't smoke who was talking to someone who had a cigarette in her hand. i really wanted one.
today was my busy day. i didn't do as well as i wanted to on my accounting test, but that's alright i guess. the film we watched in geography goodbye lenin was really good. i liked how it was in german. then anthropology was good as usual. we went to dinner early and i went to see a speaker on eating disorders. a lot of the things she said i already knew but some of the things she was talking about were really interesting. she said things that sounded cliche but were nice, like you need to learn to give yourself permission to be happy, which i think is true. i know for myself that i am so hard on myself and if i just let myself let go of all the negative feelings i have maybe i could be happy. she also said that too many people use their appearance as a form of self worth, which i think everyone does and i've noticed i do too often. so it was nice to hear things that sounded familiar.
it's weird how sometimes you come across people who just give you a good feeling. and i'm not talking about getting to know someone and having them make you happy, but a person you may have never spoken a word to who you see walking by or hear their name called in attendance and look over to see who it is, and this weird feeling just comes over you that is comforting. it's weird, but it's nice. there's a girl in my class who i feel like i know somehow who gives me this feeling whenever i see her. i don't mean to sound like a creep but it's similar to driving by house and getting a good vibe or a bad one. i don't know what it is or where it comes from it's just something that happens i guess.
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| i've wished for you for what it's worth. |
[23 Feb 2009|11:52pm] |
i had a hard time waking up this morning. well i got up for breakfast around 8:45, put my shoes on, grabbed my id and left my room. i definately was not fully awake. but i came back after and set my alarm for 9:30, 10:30, 11:00, 11:15, etc. finally i woke up and did some laundry since everyone and their mother was doing it last night at 11:00 which meant i couldn't because i wasn't going to touch other people's laundry even though everyone always touches mine.
today i had one class. it was two hours but it felt like it was never going to end. and, we got out 15 minutes early as usual. that's one thing i like about college, classes always end early. anyway, yeah. it was long.
i got my work done pretty fast tonight, too, which was good. i'm kind of afraid to get my accounting test back tomorrow, because it was kind of hard. but i am happy to say that i got a 71 out of 75 on my nutrition test which calculates out to about 95% so i am very happy about that.
the weekends go by so fast and when they're over they're all i think about during the week. how nice it was to be home with jon, and how much i can't wait to be there again. it really feels like i live two different lives. one during the week and one on the weekends. i could go on about my weekends. i probably shouldn't though.
i know i have been getting better with what i have been struggling with for the past, eh, six months or so. but i hate when it sparks up out of nowhere and doesn't leave. then i have to persuade myself that i shouldn't be doing this and making myself feel like shit, and tell myself well "maybe she's not that nice" or "maybe she's not that smart". but then i think what does it matter anyway? i beat myself up way too much and i know it, but that's not enough to make anything any better.
tomorrow is my long day, and i should be getting to sleep, but i'm not going to yet. i'm hoping to leave accounting relieved and not disappointed, and leave geography being happy that we watched the film we're going to, and then leave anthropology early. shit. i don't have time to go to the gym tomorrow. whatever i'll make it up on wednesday.
i hope hope hope becky comes here next year.
i really miss andy. i wish we both had more spare time.
not worth talking about.
i feel really lucky to live where i live and know the people i know. i wouldn't want it any other way.
i've changed, not necessarily in bad ways, but i've changed. but i'm okay with it.
i can't wait for jon to get my letter tomorrow.
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| what if the time in between was never lost? |
[15 Feb 2009|09:07pm] |
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so there is this site that is called tumblr and it is a site similar to livejournal, but it is supposed to be simpler than livejournal. i got one, but i just can't seem to part from this. plus the site is a little weird and i had a hard to customizing it to make it the way i wanted. so, for now i am deciding to keep this. good old livejournal never lets me down. there hasn’t been a day where i’ve woken up and felt like something between us is not right. no second thoughts, nothing. every day just feels like a step in the right direction. you make me feel like everything is going to be okay, everything just melts away. when i say what i do it comes straight from my heart, and there are no unsure thoughts that linger afterwards. the words you say when everything feels right are the words worth remembering, the words i don't want to forget. the things we do to cope with being away from each other sometimes just don't seem like enough. we are our best friends.
we are the people we meet.
we are lucky.
we are selfish.
we are used to this.
we are weak.
we are just trying to get by.
we are remembering better times.
we are our tears.
we are the decisions we make.
we are our thoughts.
we are our enemies.
we are everything we’ve ever known.
nothing more, nothing less.
we are what we take from our experiences.
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| i yam excited to sleep tonight. |
[10 Feb 2009|12:18am] |
today has been a very productive day. for me at least.
i woke up around 8:30 and went to breakfast. then i came back and looked over everything i needed to do for the day. i emailed a lot of people, called the pharmacy, talked to mom, and filled out some job applications. after all of that i took a shower. then i relaxed a little while i was getting ready. i went to the financial aid office to take care of some loan thing, then the bookstore to see if they had the software i needed for stupid nutrition, which they of course did not, so i went back to my room and ordered it online. i got some addresses for the letters i am going to write this week, and then i went to lunch with sarah and chris. after lunch i had class, then i came back and chilled out a litttttttle bit before dinner. after dinner i did little things like cleaned out eddie's bowl, with the help of cammie :D, and did my laundry. then i FINALLY studied for accounting which was the main goal of the day. i just finished about half an hour ago, it is now 12:30 am. i am happy with myself. even though i don't understand everything in accounting i decided that if i really feel like i need to i will go to casa for help. i didn't even get a headache today, but that's probably because i took aspirin in the morning. AND! i ate so well today! at lunch i had vegetables and i ate 3 bananas and an apple! only because they help my cramps but still. i definately got more than the necessary daily fruit intake if you include the juice i had today as well. :)
the single thing i am most proud of about today is that i didn't take a nap or go back to sleep after breakfast, which i do quite often.
i hope i get my anthropology test back tomorrow. tomorrow is my busy day, i have 3 classes. boo. and then after those i'm going to the gym and doing other stuff that i won't get into. but yeah. wednesday is going to be insane... it's going to feel so good when this week is over.
i am tired. and i miss jon. what else is new.
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| it's hard for me to say goodnight. |
[08 Feb 2009|09:19pm] |
another weekend come and gone so quickly. it was nice though. i just wish i could fall asleep next to jon tonight.
i want to, i need to, write my grandma a letter who i haven't talked to in over a year. i'm excited for her to get it. i think i will also write my uncle one. i would like to write my dad one as well. i'll write them when i have spare time during the week. i still need to think of what to say.
this week i have a lot of studying and organizing to do. the plan is to get it all done so it doesn't have to carry over to next week... which has been the plan for the past two weeks... but i really need to this time.
i miss my mom.
my back is sore. it takes a lot out of me to organize everything.
it's slowly getting easier.
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